I’m 19 and I’m scared.
I’m scared of who I’ve become – overwhelmed, discouraged, a procrastinator; naive, unconfident; always finding excuses. Becoming dependent on and then desensitized to pick me ups. Knowingly making the wrong decision. Over and over; once, twice, thrice, four times, and I lose count.
There’s such a major cognitive dissonance that exists within me: I wish with all my heart to be someone better, but I refuse to take any steps in that direction.
Instead, I procrastinate, I sloppily disregard personal plans and deadlines, then it becomes normal. I know I won’t finish on time. Justifying your mistakes is such a painful process: you’re wrong, are you going to lie to yourself?
I find myself looking more and more backwards. 9th grade, 8th grade, 7th grade; heck, 2nd grade, kindergarten. That kid that read so much, that laughed so much, that dreamed so much; she knew so much. She knew she had to work hard. She knew life didn’t owe her any excuses. She knew what she wanted, a heart so small filled with an imagination of the future so enormous. She knew the whole world couldn’t stop her.
But who would’ve known; she was stopped by herself.
I’m 19 and I’m scared. I haven’t lived up to the idealistic goals that I envisioned when I was eight, but that’s ok, when you’re young you want to do everything. What terrifies me is losing this sense of pushing oneself to improve, to be who you’ve wanted to be, to do what you’ve wanted to do; these important feelings have been absent.
I’ve wanted so much to free myself from rigorous discipline to find honest curiosity, that I’ve also freed myself from this search – sparks dissipate instead of flaring into flames.
g’luck, 19 year old. this life is still yours.